M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
