Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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