You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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