gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
