Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm having to shit out rocks
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