Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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