I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
