How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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