Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
