he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
