Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
