Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
