He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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