We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
