and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize