I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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