My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
