You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
