Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
