i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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