One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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