Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
