Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize