He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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