I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
