Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
