I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
