I'm so fucking centered right now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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