Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
