I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
