New invention idea: vibrating tampons
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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