my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
