dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
