Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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