So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
