I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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