Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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