I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
