yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
