I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize