1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
