I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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