i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
