Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
