Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
did i walk over a car last night?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
