I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
