Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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