dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
