I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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