Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize