I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
