Four minutes until I can fart!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
