Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize