her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
