I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
