girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
