Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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