The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
