You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
