he wants to bone in the snuggie
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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