rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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