Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
