I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
